Santa Detained at Guantanamo

Santa Detained at Guantanamo

         by Jordan Paust

Santa has been detained at Guantanamo Bay as a person who poses a potential threat to national security. In commenting on the detention, a White House “official” admitted that Santa does not presently threaten national security but stressed nonetheless that Santa:

1. hides his face with a beard

2. wears red (an ominous form of coloring under prior U.K. antiterrorism laws)

3. has a male’s first name ending with an “a” that sounds “foreign”

4. flies into and out of the U.S. without going through airport security checks or immigration controls and flies outside air traffic routes without filing any sort of flight plan

5. brings items of value into the U.S. in a large sack in violation of U.S. customs laws

6. has been alleged (in unsworn statements) to have traveled yearly within countries such as Cuba, Iran, and even North Korea and, thus, has “known links” with such countries and various types of persons therein

7. surreptitiously enters buildings through chimneys

8. as indicated by home searches here and abroad, he transferred items of value to opposition leaders in several countries, which the leaders do not declare for tax or any other governmental purposes

9. harbors strange persons at his compound who perform labor without pay

10. has never taken an oath of allegiance to the U.S. or to preserve and defend the U.S. Constitution, is not known to be a national of any country and, indeed, is an alien

11. has never registered to vote in any election or served on jury duty

12. has opposed war in any form, even if authorized by the U.N. Security Council

13. summaries of secret surveillance demonstrate that he has been seen often with a white powdery substance on his boots

14. somehow knows when any person is sleeping or awake

15. opposes NRA members and anyone else hunting deer

16. FBI mail checks indicate that children of various government officials and others write to him and hearsay and undisclosed informants indicate that he keeps a secret book with the children’s names and addresses

17. an alleged terrorist named Rudolph has been captured, and Santa has a known acquaintance named Rudolph

In lieu of the above, the Administration will raise the alert to “red” in December when his organization’s patterns of activities and relevant “chatter” seem heightened. The Administration has also identified things that we and/or the Administration can do in December:

1. seal off your fireplace openings with duct tape

2. kill all deer in Alaska and ask our Canadian friends do to the same in Canada

3. Homeland Security will authorize companies to clear-cut all potential Christmas trees in Alaska and elsewhere in the U.S.

4. intercept letters to Santa from your children and turn these over to the FBI

5. avoid traveling to department stores

6. do not help to finance any charities using his image

7. capture metal pots on tripods manned by Salvation Army look-a-likes as these are actually suspected weapons of mass destruction

8. destroy any Salvation Army trucks engaged in furtive behavior, since drawings from the State Department indicate that they are actually involved in the delivery of the pots

9. remind the world that we are at “war” with his organization and its message of peace

10. Homeland Security will hunt down any elves with “known links” to him or his compound

11. the Administration will launch a preemptive strike against his compound and toy-making schools

12. the Administration may try him in a military commission because much of the abovementioned evidence will not be admissible in a court of law, where he would also have the rights to judicial review of the propriety of his detention, to have access to counsel of his choice, to challenge members of the court for cause, to examine all witnesses against him, to fair procedure and fair rules of evidence, to equal protection of the laws, and to appeal to a real court exercising judicial powers.

 [Jordan J. Paust is the Mike and Teresa Baker Law Center professor of international law at the University of Houston.]